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The cute rapist

It's been about a year since a date ended in drama for me because there was involuntary sex. I lost a lot of time having the necessary conversations to process this traumatic event. While this was going on, I tried to become more skilled with portraits in watercolor, because (daily) life goes on after all. I decided to use my date as a model and portray him with the associations that come up in me. In this blog I will tell you how our contact went and about the impact it had on me. I will also show you the different faces of my date, in watercolor, that is.

Our contact in a nutshell

Even though my spark had ignited, the trust to surrender myself completely to him still had to grow. After a few pleasant weeks, he invited me to his home to have a bite to eat and 'chill'. He had always said he would respect my boundaries, but before I could take off my coat and feel comfortable in his 'man cave', he overwhelmed me with an intrusiveness that was no longer playful. I had not imagined our first time having sex like this. I did not want this and indicated this, but in his dominance he paid little attention to it.

After the incident

This unwanted interaction made me panic. I shut down and felt very confused afterwards. Maybe he did not mean to cross my boundaries? I pulled myself together and after a few days I made an attempt to talk about it together and learn from it. He didn't want this, because according to him I had broken something between us by expressing my feelings about the situation.

I liked a rapist

My family and friends noticed that I had changed from a strong woman into an emotional wreck. My environment pointed out to me that this boy had crossed my boundaries. I contacted the police and reported it. The report was categorized as 'rape' because sex had taken place. Raped by my Tinder date. What a story. This means that I liked a rapist. I could only come to terms with this event if I understood it. The police advised me to get an answer to my questions through mediation.

Mediation: a different world of experience

Two months later I was sitting with a friend and the mediator opposite my rapist by definition. When he came in he looked sweet and charming, just like on our first date. For a moment I was taken aback, until the conversation started. It quickly became clear that we both have a different world of experience. For example, he mentioned that we could have had sex hundreds of times. It struck me as strange and inappropriate, because when I go on a date, I also think of other fun things we can do together. At the beginning of our contact, I had already made it clear that I was looking for someone who understood my world. Perhaps he had forgotten that, because the blood was drained from his brain by his erection.

The Naked Truth

Through mediation, I was able to catch a glimpse of his true nature. Behind his innocent appearance, I saw the self-absorption and indifference. I was attracted to his sweet character and not to his appearance. With his plumpness and twinkling eyes, he looked more like a teddy bear than an 'eye candy'. In addition to the difference in interpretation of reality, lies also passed by. For example, he claimed that I had not indicated that I did not want to have sex just before. His untruths made me feel like the Naked Truth from Gérôme's painting. My date left me naked and destitute after stealing not my clothes, but my self-respect.

What did I learn?

As I live, so I make my art. This time I learned that nothing is what it seems. Behind a cute face can be a predator. Caution has become my new approach. I also see this caution in my switch from acrylic to watercolor. Unlike acrylic, watercolor requires a lot of planning when it comes to surface division. I wanted to make portraits with this technique and decided to paint the different faces of my date with the associations that show his true nature. I also painted the associations separately. For a first time it was quite okay, but I still have a lot to learn. By painting my cute rapist I discovered his imperfections and vulnerability. This made me develop more empathy for him and I began to understand his world even better.